Journals 2

What happens later

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1

I know not what to do if I dare find myself at the right place.

It's like I'm so used for it all to go south, I have no idea what to do when I see north.

And it's not that I dont want it. Actually, it's the only thing I really want. I just, it doesn't really quite happen for me really.

I dream about it daily, what the north will look, be, felt like.

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 2

It's a battle the world.  It's a big war, but not only out there, also it's a war inside me and I dare say, I'm not the only one facing something of that matter.

It's like we are all missing persons and persons of interest at the same time.

We are targets and uncertancy.

Black and white.

But, when do we ever realize what color we want to be?

....If we ever even do

It's weird finding myself again in this position,

Well, no really weird because I'm much familiar to it. I mean it's uncomfortable, because it's not where I want to be yet. 


-KVH

Journals 1

Him and Hims

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A

He was -- well, he is Whiskey,

The idea of it, even lots of it is great, but

It gets old real quick and you are done with it

Sooner than you though.

His brain felt different to my bones

Than my usual tastes

Because with A,

I didn't choose him, he chose me.

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Oct. 23.2013

This is a mess; I don't even know how to think straight, 

I know he chose me, that within every person in this planet he preferred me,

And I know he thought it deeply before doing so,

But I think that every day that passes by he comes closer to regretting that decision.

Just seems as if our love is like one of those mysteries of life: 

Beautiful and painful and at the end they just go extinct without reaching its maximum.

Like a working heating volcano that doesn't erupt.

And now and then I wind up asking myself is it better the killing wait than the actual eruption?

Like staring at a sharp blade run right through me, yet not really feeling its impact.

Oct. 24. 2013

Yo no quiero perderlo,

Aunque nuestro amor no es el más lindo y romántico, ni untado,

Pero es amor, me llena, me hace, me alegra,

 Me pone a sonar cuando creo que ya no hay más.

Me hace feliz tenerlo a mi lado, aunque se todo lo que comprometo se que por un lado me siento vacía, pero por el otro lado me llena tan bien,

 Que por tiempos me olvido de mi oscuridad interna.

No creo que esté lista para perder esto, lo cual es extraño porque no hace tanto era yo quien me quería alejar.

Pero no pude, mi corazón no me dejo,

¿Acaso el de él lo dejara?

- KVH